I had an amazing group meeting today. I love the women in my group. I just absolutely love them. They are some of the most beautiful, courageous, stunning souls I have ever met. I love them so much.
Today we talked about powerlessness. I used to think of powerlessness as a bad thing. If I had no power, then I couldn't do anything. I wasn't good enough. I was worthless. And that's how I felt in my addiction. No matter how much I tried or wanted to stop, I couldn't. I would have long bouts of sobriety, but then I would fall again. Every time I would want to kick myself. Sometimes I would actually bang my head on something...I just couldn't understand why I was doing it again and again. I decided to be stronger, to work harder. The sobriety would last a while again. But eventually, I would give in again. And so on and so forth...for years.
It wasn't until after I talked to my bishop that I was introduced to powerlessness. Talking to him was really good. I felt relief and a sense of peace that I hadn't felt for a long time. But he said something to me that I didn't quite understand. He told me I had an addiction. He gave me an addiction recovery manual and told me he would like me to start attending group meetings. I seriously had no idea what he was talking about.
He tried to get me to go to group that next week, but I didn't go. I was nervous and scared and decided that I didn't really need group--that it wasn't for me. I honestly thought I would be fine without it. But during that week, I continued to be tempted with things that were beyond me. They were unimaginable things that I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand why I was being tempted with such horrible thoughts and feelings. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to climb into a hole and not come out. But it was then that I understood I had an addiction. And I realized the addiction was bigger than me. There was no way I was going to conquer this Goliath on my own. Understanding that I didn't have to do it on my own brought instant relief. This huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I realized that powerlessness was a good thing. Powerlessness brought Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ back into my life. Proclaiming my powerlessness was the way for Them to sweep in and exert Their beautiful and incredible power.
I believe that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to take a wrong turn in order to find the right one. He lets us travel the wide, bumpy road, in order to find the strait and narrow path. For, without the experiences I had in the past, I would not know of the sweetness of the here and now. I am grateful for agency. Truly, it is a gift. Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. How grateful I am for this truth. How grateful I am for Jesus Christ and a way back.
How grateful I am for powerlessness.