Breakthrough...

Monday of this week, I had a breakthrough. I was lying in bed, unable to fall asleep, and I began to think about things. In particular, I was thinking about an experience I had had over the weekend. My sister and her kids came to visit for Memorial day. We all went to the open house of the Payson temple. It was beautiful. Before we left, my sister told me that she and a few of her kids really wanted to go see a movie after going through the temple, and she wondered if I wanted to go with them. When she told me the name of the movie, my heart sunk a little. It was a movie that I had decided not to see, based on its content. I did not judge my sister for wanting to see it, but I have a boundary set for myself, and I knew I couldn't cross it. So, in a bunch of fumbled and mumbled words, I told her I didn't want to see the movie. I was so afraid of hurting her feelings, of her thinking that I was judging her or claiming to be better than her. But I knew I would not be true to myself if I went. She was a little sad but took it pretty well. I was so grateful to have found the courage to say no, through grace. I know Jesus Christ was there helping me, and Heavenly Father was looking down on me, giving me strength. It almost seems like a small, perhaps even silly, thing. But to me, if I had crossed that boundary, it wouldn't have been small. It could have really messed with my recovery. I am so grateful that I said no. This was one of the things I was thinking about, as I longed for sleep on Monday night.
I also thought about how sometimes I don't feel close to Jesus Christ. I still feel like I don't really know Him, like we don't have the relationship I want to have and feel the need to have. This is a struggle for me, and I often feel shame about it. Like, "Why do I not feel close to Him?! I have almost a year of sobriety and recovery. This is ridiculous. I should know Him better by now. I should understand Him and the Atonement...and basically I should be ready to be beamed up to heaven." Yeah, that's what Satan tells me. I know he is wrong, but sometimes he is really believable. And he plays on my weak points. But as the shame started to creep in, instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I began to think about how much I have changed in this last year. I have really become a new person, and I owe that to Jesus Christ. I still have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way. A year ago, I wouldn't have said no to that movie, and I probably would have really enjoyed it--even (or especially) the parts with questionable content. And it was this thought that proceeded my breakthrough...
As I thought about this miraculous change in me, I realized that I am GRATEFUL for my addiction. Let me repeat that: I am GRATEFUL for my addiction. I really am. And I cannot even believe I am writing these words. Without my addiction, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It is very possible that I wouldn't feel a need for a Heavenly Father and a Savior. It is quite possible that I would be content in isolation, and I would not reach out for the support of others or offer my support to them. Without my addiction, I would be a different person. Heavenly Father knew that I needed this weakness, this trial in order to change and become more like my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knew that I needed this in order to learn humility, patience, hard work, courage, and strength. Could I have learned these things some other way? I suppose it is possible. But I am beginning to learn that this addiction did not happen TO me. It happened FOR me. Heavenly Father, in his infinite goodness and knowledge, gave me this weakness out of love. And I am grateful for Him and for it. During this last year, I have heard women in my group talk about how grateful they are for their addictions. I thought they were CRAZY. Like really INSANE. I didn't understand it. How could they be grateful for something so horrible and awful and tormenting? How could they be grateful for something that brought them so much pain, shame, and heartache? But I understand now. It is the horrible moments, the awful darkness, the tormenting thoughts, the painful nights, the shame-filled actions, and the aching heart that push me to reach out to Christ and ask for His help, his solace, his grace. The moment I began to contemplate changing and asking for Help, He reached out to me and grabbed my hand. He was always there, but I needed to ask. I needed to realize that I couldn't and He could. Then, I had to let Him.
I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ as I have written these words. I am so grateful for Them. I am so thankful that they have helped me to have this breakthrough. I am so grateful for the women in my group who have been patient and loving and kind and such wonderful examples to me. This journey of recovery is a beautiful journey, and I am so grateful to be on it. I can't wait to return to my heavenly home some day and thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, in person, for my addiction.